Process

Certain things in my life have led me to believe that I am a panisy. Not only emotionally and physically, but spiritually. True, I am afriad of a punch from my Best friend, working an air tool in my auto class and bunsen burners in my science class. I'm afraid of guys(whether I should be or not) and men, snakes and drowning.
I'm afraid of committment- of the emotional and spiritual sense. Also, whether i'm afraid of this or not, i'm a panisy about making decisions. And there comes a certain point when it shouldn't be hard to make a choice between a dog and a cat.

I've always been an emotional person. I'm almost too empathic to my friends and almost for myself. Now, I hadn't really considered if this...emotionalness was a good or a bad thing. When I sit sniffling during church I usually think it's a bad thing- but only because of the uncomfortable-ness of the situation. Yet, last week- Phillip (yancey) pointed out something I had never thought of, but know that it's very true.
"Hypersensitivity to pain can be a resource, an unexpected gift. The same tears that break our hearts may also nourish us in ways that matter most to God."
Hope was in sight! I suddenly felt relieved that I could be so easily attached and then ripped away form something and KNOW that it benefited me toward my Lord!
Unfortenately the 2 x 4 came today- I remembered what I had read last week and started the next section with a smile...
"A bleeding heart is of no help to anybody if it bleeds to death."
Well Crap! Had I been a large bleeding heart that...bleed to death? In San Francisco one of the hardest things (other than spelling it) was to leave the children i had worked with for two days. My heart ached to see them, and then it ached even more to leave them. My emotional nature had become something that I hated because it caused me pain.
"Ministering to people in need sometimes calls instead for a sense of detachment."
Which is what I needed for my first mission trip. To not get so attached just after two days. To know that after those days I would be able to go without tearing up when thinking about them.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to detach myself from eveything (no matter how much I might like that), because then I wouldn't relate to who I can and help them (possibly) become closer to God...but I do need to find a ...center? Between complete detachment and hypersensitivity. So ultimately simple things that shouldn't take time to decide...will be a snap...like between a dog and a cat.